I need grace like air. I would die without it.
And it defines me. If I need it that bad all the time, I am thus, one undeserving person.
But God is gracious and compassionate. If not for his love, I have been long gone.
Lord thank you for everything. I always mess up. Big time. :-(

Since I like making lists here of the things that needs to be done. Let's start with that:

1. Annotated Bibliography
2. Essay 1
3. Essay 2
4. Biography
5. Research
6. Research Method report
7. Research Method homework packet
8. Two Reflection papers and a Journal
9. Final exam
10. Final Ethics Paper
11. Ethics report

12. Email this and that
13. Pay dues

14. Pastoral stuff

Two weeks ago, I finally had the courage to say sorry to this guy I used to love before. I know I had my share of guilt somewhere in between and I totally went for it when I said sorry. He never responded back. So I guess my apologies weren't accepted. Anyhow, it is just strange that I dreamt of him last night. We had this love back and it was sweeter the second time around. So strange. Now don't get me wrong, I never want that- or any of that in my dream. Period. Just saying that pride does hinder relationships to get back to that place where some parts of it can still be patched up all for God's glory.

1. The love affair in my mind is over.
2. 143 pounds
3. Mire. Mire. Mire.

STOP
1. The procrastination on Sunday stuff has to stop
2. The undisciplined life has to stop; diet, exercise, internet, and expenses
3. The apathy has to stop

LOOK
I have a Christmas Gift Idea!

LISTEN
Take criticisms- and constantly improve.

I am bad.
I just can't take it that somebody, not having the right, corrects me for my English.
Only Americans can say to me if I have American Accent or NOT okay!!!
I'm full of pride, just can't take it right now.
So yeah, I feel like I'm better than this girl.

I'm easily attracted to PKs

Dear Chance,

I was trying to deny the fact that you exist. Seeing you chase the wind and go in circles all the more showed me my greatest fear that I, as well, might end up chasing pavements. But you happened to occur in a limited time and I closed my eyes and took your hand, hoping that it would be worth the risk. I think it was still, though my expectations were more. I did it because I know that was my part- my response to chances that come once in a lifetime. After this grand time, I am still learning to accept that there are things that don't happen clearly with undefined people like me. You gave me hope that grasped me entirely. Now let my eyes tell you that you took a part of me and it was a sad fact I have to go. Maybe goodbye for now is proper, as my mind longs to wait for you to come again and in that day, I would like to hope that you will find that part of me that I left- and carry it as you fill that missing piece of me. If not, you can be sure that the part I left is only yours.

Sincerely,
Jana

I resigned today in my graveyard shift work.

1. Sometimes I wonder if I need to see a Psychologist.
2. Sometimes I just wish to ditch every responsibility and pretend I have amnesia, that I don't remember anything.
3. Sometimes, I don't want to see the guy anymore. Maybe that would be the cure. Or maybe I'd just treat him as invisible man. That he doesn't exist and I don't see him. I am even tempted to remove him from my friends list.
4. Sometimes, I wonder if what I do still matters.
5. Sometimes, I keep dreaming about high school and get amazed at the wonder of it all.
6. Sometimes, I wanna be free to do anything I want to without having to worry about my gender, my status, the people around me.
7. Sometimes, I get extremely bored that I crave for something great.

I can't help this but I think I just started crying again inside me.
That means, there are frozen tears but it's all breaking up inside.
It's been almost half a year since I rested in the idea that there's a break.
I didn't have to worry for a while about any other girl, but recently,
there are observations about this certain girl and this other girl,
and today, one of these is being confirmed by a friend
and that hits me; rock bottom.

What if... what if...???

Hmm. I can go on and on thinking about this, and that's a start again of the unrequited love syndrome. Maybe that works well because it brings out all the creative emo stuff in me, so expect that. And since it's Valentines Day next week too, what else can make it worse than seeing Him make a subtle move to this girl.

Ha!